No matter what your style of parenting or how long you’ve been a mum I can almost guarantee there will be times when that creeping, sinking feeling of guilt starts to rear its ugly head. Isn’t it ironic, that we give, give and give parts of ourselves to our family, sacrificing many things along the way and it seems from time to time we are made to feel dubiously inadequate? That’s so messed up right? Our modern world has a strange way of tricking us into thinking we are not doing enough, or not doing the right thing when in truth we are just trying to live in a way that works best for us as individual family units.
A significant cause of ‘mum guilt’ is our decision to return to work, in any capacity, or not at all. For many families this is not a decision but more of an expected reality considering the current economic climate we find ourselves in, and the struggle many people face to live comfortably in the face of adversity. We miss our babies. There isn’t really any way around that feeling; they may be cared for wonderfully, even by close family, but my gosh we miss them. In my past experiences with my previous three children I remember that amazing feeling of walking in the door after work to be greeted by the most joyful of teethy little grins. A small win and a tiny joy after a busy day adulting in the workplace. Bedtimes were exhausting, but slow paced and late. Piles of books were read and nursery rhymes repeated over and over, making up for lost time in the day. It all counts!
This time has been different for me however, I’ve chosen not to return to the workplace and instead give my whole self to looking after my fourth and final baby. I’ve done it all post baby; full time, part time, a little self employed and now stay-at-home parent. It’s intense and really wonderful at the same time. It is a good feeling knowing that I can be there when she needs me. With that comes the guilt that I am not contributing financially, and my husband now has more responsibility in this respect. Who knows what the future will hold, we can only live for what feels right in the now.
Your child’s sleep pattern will change frequently as they grow, sometimes it can feel quite drastic, but it’s usually normal. I’ve known mums to believe they must be doing something wrong and scour through internet comparing their situation with that of parents whose babies sleep ‘12 hours’ at night; sure Sandra, and my baby can moonwalk whilst singing Adele. People do exaggerate though, as it makes them feel good about themselves for a short while. You’re doing fine and babies sleep when they need to. Feed to sleep, rock them, lay down and stroke their little soft head to sleep, and co-sleep (safely as per the Lullaby Trust’s guidelines). This time is so short and comparison truly is the thief of joy!
Something I work hard on is self-care. That sounds really cliché I know, but honestly it’s one of the only things that will regulate you and ground you as a parent. We cannot pour from an empty cup. I am not just talking about having a bath, or popping on a face mask. Yes, those things can make you feel nice but I’m talking about real deep-rooted looking-after-your-inner-being and nervous system care. Self care comes in many forms but what you’re really aiming for is a kindness to yourself, forgiveness and the permission to be unapologetically you. Guilt free. You’re still a whole person, whether you’re back at work full time, or your baby doesn’t sleep longer than two hours at a time at the moment. You’re exhausted, but you’re still a deserving person who needs to be listened to and held.
Walks in nature, grounding yourself, feeling small amongst the huge trees. Deep breathing under a starry sky in the crisp autumn air. Aligning your physical being with your mental and emotional self is the key to true self care. There are so many amazing techniques to try on mindfulness and its benefits are well documented.
Letting the little things go is crucial in parenthood, or they quickly snowball and you find yourself anxious and overwhelmed. I’ve lowered my standards immeasurably over the past year and it actually feels really good. Perfectionism is so overrated.
I have to say that I’ve never really felt alone with my Mum Guilt, as I’ve always been quite open and wear my heart on my sleeve! If it does feel like too much always ask for help and share your feelings with a friend, good friends will listen and that lightens the load no end. It can take strength and courage to open up when life’s getting heavy, but mum guilt is one of those things that connects us all in some form.
Always here to listen, and always, ALWAYS here to spill.
Have a great week!
Sophie X
The Local Mama Blog Editor
@sophieandteamt
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